Day one, I woke up, wishing I hadnt. My mom was laying beside me, reaching over to hold me and provide any ounce of comfort she could. I remember thinking.. this was a bad dream, wheres Drew, why am I at my parents home, sleeping in my sisters bedroom, and not mine and Drew's. We were supposed to be at our favourite breakfast place right now, it was our weekend off together. The room was dark, my mind was foggy and a remeber the tears streaming out, like a water tap that couldnt be shut off. Why am i here and how can I get as far away from all of this as possible?
As I am writing this, the tears still surface, because I keep thinking about how I didnt realize at the time I was going to go through some of the hardest times i could ever imagine, with no choice but to come out the other side. At the time, there was no other side. There was no, what's next? there was no, how do i move forward, because in my mind, i wasnt. My life was over, i was hanging up my hat and throwing in the towel right then and there. Life didnt exist now, and the most important thing right now was figuring out how to get back to Drew, in whatever way that meant.
Many things from this point in time are still absent from my memory, and I think thats okay. There are things from the day of Drew's accident and in the first few months that are not stored in my memory bank, and i have come to terms with the fact that its okay I dont remember them. They will show back up, if, and when the time comes. Thats the thing about trauma and grief, it shows up in whatever way it wants too. In the middle of a work meeting, while your getting a pedicure at the mall, driving, even on a first date. It shows up in the most peculiar ways, with the most random insertion of thoughts, smells and feelings, that can debilitate every once of your being. These are the parts of grief and trauma they dont tell you about, they will show up in the most horrific, menacing ways, leaving nothing but a puddle of tears and broken dreams.
Now, I dont want you thinking you are coming to this blog to only hear the devastating, dismantling side of trauma and grief, cause every story has two sides, and while the first side of my trauma and grief story is dark, dreary and heartbreaking, there is a side that is heartwrentchingly beautiful. I had a beautiful life, a husband who was my biggest fan and confidant, who had my back even if I was acting crazy. It was us against the world, and we werent keeping track, but we were winning. My mission in life is to keep going, keep loving and laughing and winning, because now im not just living for one, im living for two.